I agree, Grace – those early years are so formative in terms of habits and perspectives. It really would make sense to reduce the flood of gifts coming in, so you can focus your limited time and energy on things other than stuff wrangling!

However, the in laws……….my advice is do it now before it goes on any further. I gave up all my dreams for my family to fulfill my MIL’s Christmas dreams. Over the years she took to criticizing my daughters….my beautiful accomplished daughters who did not get married and pregnant at 18, well one of them did….got married, got pregnant at 20 (MIL’s very traditional). Anyhoo, this went on for so long and I tried to be a better daughter-in-law and when I tried to talk to my husband about it, he shrugged it off because he never heard the criticisms. She was very careful to either do it on the phone or when he was not around. My daughters did not want to visit because they were tired of the criticism. I finally told DH to either talk to her or I was going to. It did not end well. We waited far too long…..so nip it in the bud now. They probably know exactly what they are doing. You married her baby boy. I know of what I speak. Good luck.

Grace – we’ve done this for the past couple of years with great success. We ask grandparents and aunts/uncles to contribute however much money they’d spend on a gift, and we earmark it for something trip-related. Great-grammy paid for the ferry ride, for example, Uncle E paid for the NHL game tickets, and Auntie B gave both kids $30 to spend on wearable souvenirs (typically a warm hat with a university emblem on it, which satisfies our 9 year old’s craving for spending, while also being useful in that our whole family can benefit from it). The kids LOVE the road trips and while we’re still weaning the grandparents off *also* buying smaller gifts (“because they need something to OPEN on Christmas!” – grandmother), we really love that they’re contributing to experiences more than stuff.

Regarding the first point, I’ve often noticed (with myself and others) that when something bothers us we often wind up with an internal dialog that FEELS like we’re having a conversation with other people, but we never actually do. An issue will go around and around in my head, or even worse it goes back and forth with my spouse, and I get all worked up. But when I take a step back I realize I have never really addressed the issue with the person in question. Or I THINK I’m saying something, but I’m not really. Saying “You shouldn’t have!” or “This is too much!” or “You should spend your money on something else” really doesn’t get the message across like “I appreciate your generosity, but please stop giving me gifts.”

This leads me to my second point. When you ask them to stop giving you gifts, the first and last point you make needs to be “We love how much you love our kids. We are moved by your generosity and want you to know that we appreciate it. But we think it’s too much for our lifestyle and want to work WITH you…thank you for working with us on this. We appreciate how much you want to demonstrate your affection with gifts and we want you to know that we love and appreciate you for it.” A conversation like this can too easily be taken as a complaint that YOU are spoiled and don’t appreciate the gifts. Or that you are jealous (which comes out a LITTLE bit with your concern that your kids will resent you for not buying even more stuff). The focus needs to be on love and your appreciation of their love. Then work with them to set boundaries.

In fact I wouldn’t focus as much on your standards because: they are grandparents. I had a conversation a number of years ago with a friend who is a grandmother when I was complaining that my mom wouldn’t maintain my standards while babysitting. Now I had a point because she was acting as regular care, but my friend told me “Get over it. She’s a grandmother. She’s not going to be as strict as you. Your kids’ relationship with her is different.” Because of this my conversation would focus on my concern that gifts can get between their relationship with the grand kids. It actually isn’t that hard for kids to understand that grandparents=gifts while mom and dad just don’t (just like at grandma’s they might get a cookie or two before dinner). But none of you want their relationship with their grandparents to be defined by “What did you bring me today?!”

Our semi annual (it seems) post on this goes up next Monday.

It is very hard to sit back and just accept when you feel you are drowning in stuff. And, possibly, drowning in guilt. I know that my in-laws give out of love, but it all becomes a lot to manage, and then I feel guilty because I do have this anger/frustration/anxiety toward their acts of love. Ours has not gotten better as the kids have gotten older, but my kids are aware of how much stress it seems to cause me and limit what they ask for. It is not only items that can be donated – which continual purging takes effort – but sentimental items and articles and letters that they feel will be of interest to the boys – old books they had as a kid, articles on new discoveries, letters of encouragement (usually entailing 5 or more pages). All of it is so nice and caring and loving, but I am drowning. Not only trying to figure out what to keep (some will be very nice to have when they are old and can appreciate it – my teenage sons appreciate, but not to the degree that they might later in life) but what can be tossed and what can be donated. Then to field all the questions as to whether the boys read the items and liked it and what they thought – and, yes, they should possibly have a weekly check-in chat with their grandparents to discuss all of this personally, but they are continually busy with school & sports & homework, that it would take constant planning to make sure this occurs.
We have had the discussions and limited success has occurred (souvenirs now are only consumables as my boys love to eat), and I am going to try to some of the other suggestions above, but I also don’t think we should have to accept something that suffocates.

Another vote for a letter. Some people process information differently when it is presented in written form. I find that folks in older generations especially appreciate letters. We have an only grandchild with three sets of generous grandparents, so I can definitely relate. Best of luck.

I’m a little late to the dance here, but I agree with the suggestion that communication is key. Just as you wouldn’t stand by if the grandparents let the kids play too close to the road or allowed them to eat nothing but candy all day long, you will also have to have the difficult but necessary talk with them about your values.

I once met a woman at Jo-Ann Fabrics who asked me, rhetorically, what to get kids who have everything. Her granddaughters drop by regularly and she’d gotten in the habit of always having gifts for them. Small things, true, but ALWAYS. When I asked her if it had become stressful she said yes, adding “but they expect it.”

I went home and wrote a blog post that pointed out that expectations are MADE, not born — and that she was setting them up for some potential issues. For example, an early addiction to novelty could encourage an inability to be satisfied with anything for very long. I suggested 14 other ways to show love for kids that don’t involve huge expenditures of cash (or any money at all).

If it’s kosher to post the URL, here goes:
http://donnafreedman.com/14-ways-to-get-off-the-kid-gift-treadmill/