Well said

Interesting how readers are judgemental in the case study – I’ve read over a dozen and this is very odd. Is it the pandemic making people grumpy? Or is it envy? Or is it because Tara has kept her face covered, so then people are forgetting that she is a real person? Personally I enjoy the wide variety of case studies; young, old, different sexual orientations, trans, married, single, divorced, spending a lot or saving a lot, close to FI or far away, city dwellers and farmers. Congrats Liz on such variety! It has opened my mind to how many different situations are out there and the challenges that face each of us. And to Tara, my apologies that people are feeling snippy for whatever reason. I appreciate you sharing your story! thank you!

I, too, didn’t take it in a bad way that kids who are up for adoption may have extra needs even if the poster was fairly blunt about her perspective. From experiences in my own family (a cousin who adopted, and then had to relinquish her children, plus another family member whose adopted children had serious emotional issues and are not a regular part of her life now that they are grown), plus reading about adopting older children, one of the biggest misconceptions is that love will fix all things. I’ve read that one out of twenty adoptions ends with the adoptive parents having to give up the child for a multitude of reasons. Is this an accurate percentage? I don’t know, but as I said it happened inside my extended family. That is something that saddens me a great deal – imagine a child not being able to stay with the biological parents and then losing an adoptive family as well! Anyone who is thinking of adopting should be honest with themselves that their adopted child is likely (although not quarantined) to have a variety of issues that will require time, counseling, patience, and in the end the child may never develop a strong emotional bond with the adoptive parents depending on what has happened to that child prior to being adopted. Anyone who is thinking about adopting needs to be clear-eyed about the negatives as well as the positives. Depending on the situation adoption can be difficult in many ways beyond the financial and time costs of the initial adoption process. I feel for the loving people who get in over their heads and end up suffering a great deal while getting little parental joy. I think it is a good thing to acknowledge up front that many kids available for adoption need parents who are realistic that it is not the same as bringing their own baby home from the hospital. Does it make me or anyone else unloving to be truthful about this? I think it’s best for the children involved that people who are thinking about adoption consider their decision with as much information as possible including the potential problems.

I will also say as someone who works in higher ed if you feel bored right now – trust me there are folks at your institution who are feeling vastly overworked during this time. (Especially true if you are partially open.). My Division is doing the brunt work of all of the additional tasks supporting reopening (case managers for students in isolation, staffing testing events, manning the phone line that students call with their questions, etc). With your experience working with survivors, I imagine you would have a lot of skills to offer to this effort that would be INCREDIBLY welcomed by those doing this work. For political reasons (auxiliary units with greater likelihoods of layoffs), my sense is that we are hesitant to ask for assistance from those units with more financial stability trying to build good will for financial support down the line if needed, but if you reached out explicitly I’m sure they would welcome you with open arms.

I will also say that I think the audience of this blog is generally very white and so it’s not lost of me that you had minimal comments on the intergenerational household you may consider moving forward if needed. Also being white myself, I don’t have a lot of experience with this, but I also agree that this isn’t really a financial decision. Yes, the “smart” financial choice might be to sell the house. My former boss (Chinese decent) doesn’t live in an intergenerational house, but her sister and mother (in separate houses) live all on the same street. They are there for each other, meals, watching children, etc. and that is quite beautiful. I think having your parents live in the house while you travel is a great idea and provides a lot of flexibility for you still having a home base and/or if anything happens to your or their health you will have a solid place to return to. Also, not selling the house now doesn’t mean you can’t sell it later!

OTOH, my inlaws had LTC Insurance, purchased many years ago and fully paid for. FIL fell, broke his hip and died in a matter of weeks, so no payout there. MIL has Alzheimer’s. She lived with us for almost seven years to conserve her resources, because she was otherwise in good health. We finally moved her to a nearby Board and Care late last year. After the mandatory 90 day waiting period, we filed a claim. Two months later, Allstate denied the claim. Then they denied the appeal. Oh, her policy covers Alzheimer’s all right, but the terminology used to designate types of care facilities has changed since the policy was written. Allstate is adamant that they will only pay if she goes to a facility that provides 24 hour nursing care, which she does not need. Besides the cost, moving her there anyway takes resources away from someone who does need that level of care. In addition, the cost differential for that type of facility negates the amount that the insurance policy will pay.

We have recently found a Board & Care that is owned and run by a registered nurse, who lives on the property. Should satisfy the requirements, right? Well, this time, we applied first, which is not easy to do. Still no answer form Allstate. Even if they do, transferring MIL will be disruptive, and the 90 day clock will start all over again. It’s a nightmare. Thank goodness she has deep pockets.

The only reason we’re pursuing it is because forty years ago, a middle aged couple walked into a Sears store and bought Long Term Care Insurance, which they paid for faithfully for thirty years. Now, when one of them needs it, the policy is riddled with loopholes. 100% shameful. The companies that market these policies try to scare people into buying them, then they provide little return for the huge sums of money invested. Note: We are aware that there are other avenues of appeal and will pursue them if this next option is rejected. My point is that if CAVEAT EMPTOR ever applied to anything, surely it’s Long Term Care Insurance. Be careful and do massive due diligence before you even consider buying it . Treat everything they promise you with a healthy dose of skepticism.

Tara, in your position, I’d invest that money into VTSAX or equivalent in a Vanguard account and never look back.

One more thing: You’re not going to believe what’s going to happen when you consolidate your retirement accounts. To begin with, it simplifies things. Next, if you chose the right funds, your investment expenses are going to go down, which means your returns will improve. Finally, you will get a huge psychological lift when you see a bigger balance on one screen. It will inspire you to make further economies to boost your savings. You will be thrilled every time you check your balances and doing so will take a fraction of the time it does now. It is essentially a free boost at a time when your planning for the future is kind of on autopilot. It isn’t much of a hassle, really and so, so worth the effort.

Best wishes to you!

I was fairly ambivalent about having a kid – was happy without kids but could also imagine having one (not two). But it was really important to my boyfriend to be a dad so I decided I was willing to try and see what happened and our son is just one of the most wonderful (and challenging) parts of my life. No regrets at all.
I’d also note that it has changed my relationship With my partner quite a bit and the last three years have been a roller coaster for both of us. We’ve learned a lot but it’s been rough. Still no regrets though and not all couples have such a rocky entry into parenthood, we’d also had a rough time at a previous major transition.

Hi Dot! We would be more likely to consider it if we had confidence about securing similar compensation. To be honest, we haven’t seriously explored the option.

Hello Mary! Thank you for expressing your resonance with my feelings about this question. Today, my thought is that I must accept that there will be some wondering about any path not taken, and this doubt, however uncomfortable, can’t be avoided. I have devoted much time and energy to avoid regret, but the expectation itself may be misguided! Thank you for sharing part of your story and well wishes.

I don’t know if you are still reading responses at this late date but I really resonated with your comments. I never felt a burning desire to have children and I married a divorced man with grown children (thus I really didn’t have the “stepmother” role of raising them or living with them). I was 37 when I married. My husband was fine with having more children if that is what I desired. The years went by and I never pursued it. Now that window is shut. For the most part I am fine with it but sometimes I wonder if I made a mistake. Your juxtaposed images of a “child who defies expectations” and “the holiday table” describe some of both my fears and yearnings around children and a family. I do feel a bit of sadness around holidays but I strive to make them meaningful despite not having a large brood of
around. I wish you well in this decision and I thank you for sharing your story with us.

Sarah, your comment broke my heart. Thank you so much for sharing your story – I hope that it inspires others to listen to themselves about what’s best for their family, and I hope your situation gets easier and you find joy.

Hi Mary! I binge read all of Go Curry Cracker’s posts when I first discovered the blog and continue to subscribe. His early posts fueled our fantasy of a nomadic lifestyle. It’s been interesting to observe how they more or less have abandoned it as their family has grown.