Comments on: Reader Case Study: Stay Married on Paper or Finalize the Divorce?

By: Kelley

Kelley — Fri, 20 Aug 2021 00:43:11 +0000

In reply to Katherine. The same thing happened to my sister and her kids. Her ex refused to help pay for their college even though he was financially able to do so. Of course there is no law that says that you have to pay for college, but they had verbally agreed to do so. She had to practically beg for him to have them on his medical insurance when they turned 18 (he wanted to take them off) as she is self employed and his medical is excellent. If you have children, definitely hammer things like this out.

By: Abby

Abby — Tue, 27 Jul 2021 02:44:14 +0000

What about going back to college (maybe a masters if you have a bachelors) to find a career that will work with your boys hours as they get older and then provide you with a better career and income after there is no more child support. Usually college students especially at large universities have access to healthcare too. Or as suggested above working for a college often offers discounts or free tuition for kids of employees.

By: Danielle

Danielle — Wed, 21 Jul 2021 02:41:11 +0000

In reply to Stephanie. I agree with at least getting things settled. If you are cordial, even amicable, now is a great time to do this. You can put yourselves and your family first without the input of third parties. The man I am dating now waited, and his ex wife met a new partner and brought a whole other aspect (that was not positive for his child) into the mix.

By: Danielle

Danielle — Wed, 21 Jul 2021 02:37:57 +0000

I understand where Adrianna is coming from with the insurance. I lost my job during my divorce (and the COVID19 pandemic) and my lawyer was able to arrange with my ex that I could stay on his insurance for a set amount of time afterward. We financially settled in November so I had access to our cash, but did not finalize until May. It was not great staying married, but it helped for the short term so I could keep my providers. The cost for this was paid out of my settlement, and they also deducted the additional HSA contribution he received for me being on our family plan.

By: Karyn

Karyn — Tue, 13 Jul 2021 16:32:25 +0000

In reply to Faith. I think the reason they don't want people filing separately is that people could game the system. One person claiming all of the credits, despite the other person earning a ton.

By: Shelly

Shelly — Tue, 06 Jul 2021 14:46:09 +0000

Another consideration when looking for a full time job: sometimes colleges will have a free or reduced program for employees and their immediate families. This may be something worth looking into since your boys are so close to the college years, if that’s a path they decide to go.

By: Stephanie

Stephanie — Mon, 05 Jul 2021 17:13:31 +0000

In reply to JD. Yes!!! We were 50/50 but so many teen boys do this- it is normal and important for you to not have your feelings hurt if this happens. Being prepared financially if they move in with dad is huge. We had the opposite. Mine was at his mom's when pandemic happened and he chose to stay there to protect me. No one expected a year+ and of course my husband contributes to my stepson expenses there. We miss him but he is now nineteen and in normal times he would be in a dorm and he comes over at least once a week for dinner.

By: Stephanie

Stephanie — Mon, 05 Jul 2021 17:06:48 +0000

Get this done. Eventually one or both of you will meet someone else. My now husband waited, then pushed to finalize his divorce. When we met they had been separated over two years and she was pregnant with her fiancé baby. My stepson was three. Finally, a few years later when we were unable to move forward my now husband became significantly less nice because she still hadn’t dealt with her part of the paperwork. He finally had a come to Jesus about their ability to effectively work together and coparent with this hanging over their heads. He also said that even though he didn’t want to, he felt that waiting over four years was more than enough. She was asked to please complete her part of the paperwork within 60 days or he would be forced to push through the divorce and had no interest in damaging their working relationship but he was done.
The divorce was completed in a few months, including the affidavits of non paternity/paternity. She married her fiance that spring, and we married a year later- over 13 years ago.
Their working relationship immediately improved and my then 5/6 year old stepson was happier. They had always worked for his best interest but they got along so much better, seriously it was like night and day. He was a little kid but soooo much tension disappeared.
At this point we have been each other’s emergency contacts, carpools, emergency overnights- like if someone had to go to the ER, the kids would go to the other house at 3am, the 4 younger kids have a cousin like relationship.
It took a long time but things are good and never would have happened if my husband and ex’s relationship had been poisoned. Hell, prepandemic she and l regularly got together for coffee and would hang out- l am immunocompromised so that hasn’t happened yet.
Get the divorce done and get it over with- long term you will be much happier and if you meet someone things will be cleaner. Good luck.

By: Reece

Reece — Sun, 04 Jul 2021 11:40:56 +0000

In reply to Lynn. +1. Way too much house, you need to sell and by something much smaller and cheaper, which should be manageable in Richmond. Have to get a new job that actually provides for you. What happens when the boys go to college and the child support stops? Delaying this inevitability will only make it harder when it arrives. And the current situation is risky… as soon as one of you get in another relationship it will no longer work. Hate to be blunt but sugar coating isn’t going to do you any favors. Good luck.

By: Shelly

Shelly — Fri, 02 Jul 2021 23:26:01 +0000

As a side note, check to see if your benefits include EAP (I think it’s employee assistance program). If so, you may be able to get a recommendation for a good local lawyer, tax advisor, counselor, ect and often a few free short meetings. It’s a valuable (and free!) resource I’ve used in the past

By: Susan O'Donnell

Susan O'Donnell — Fri, 02 Jul 2021 14:03:55 +0000

Adrianna you are a champion. Think about what you went through in the past couple of years(separation, pandemic, raising tween boys), and realize you are a tough person! It sounds like you have a support system in your family and friends, so I would also listen to their between the lines advise.
A few bullet points:
-Get the divorce. Being in limbo is too psychologically taxing.
-Sell your house and find something more manageable now. Is it important that you actually own a home considering you are thinking of selling within ten years?
Perhaps you can rent and therefore have a landlord(lady) that is responsible for major repairs. As homeowners, we have experience major repairs that cost tens of thousands of dollars(roof, septic, tree removal, well pump…). These types of things will wipe out your $32K in no time.
-Get a full time job WITH Benefits! We are retired but too young for Medicare, and are therefore beholden to the ACA. Our “limited” income at this time allows us to pay a lower amount, but that is changing next year and now insurance will be 1500.00 a month for two people. We had a health emergency and how owe upwards of $14K for surgery costs. This is NOT affordable care. Your ex-husband should be able to insure your boys, but you mentioned you have some minor health problems. As you age, those minor health problems become larger and more expensive.
-Fund your retirement to the max and when you get that full time job, each raise should go directly into funding that retirement fund. Take care of yourself first. The boys will get educated, but you need to prepare for your retirement.
-Stop with the allowance. The boys are old enough to realize they need to be part of the solution. If you want to pay them to do special chores like cleaning out the garage, ok, but they need to realize their life is changing and you are planning for their future.
Your positive outlook and shining spirit will get you through this!

By: Rachel

Rachel — Tue, 29 Jun 2021 12:10:23 +0000

There’s a lot of great advice here so my advice on finding a full time job on a budget: employers are desperate for qualified candidates. It’s a great time to be job seeking even with time out of the workforce. Sign up for a free trial of LinkedIn premium for a month- set status as available to work. Look up your alma mater and location to target 2nd and 3rd degree connections in jobs or companies you’re interested in- set up networking meetings using inmail. Update your resume & profile, connect with people. At the end of every networking meeting ask “do you know anyone else I should talk to?” Be open to more traditional male dominated roles or industries that may value diversifying their workforce (sales for example but find salary + commission, not commission only). Don’t limit your earning potential up front by assuming you can only work in low income fields. The good news is that Richmond has many wonderful big employers so I believe that networking will serve you well! When it comes time to cancel the free trial, you’ll be in a good spot to be found online.